if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
