I am midnight drunk by noon
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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