He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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