hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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