When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
