so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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