it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
