The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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