I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
