I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
