I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
