I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
