she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
