I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I have post one night stand depression
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