Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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