The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Green mimosas i think yes
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
