I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
