I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
