I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
