I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
