its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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