yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
