What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
