u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
