I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
