genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
