as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize