life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
