3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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