im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
