So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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