I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
