do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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