Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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