I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
