Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
