I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
