Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
