oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
