You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
So squirting runs in the family.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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