I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Randomize
