I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
