I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
