He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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