We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
