If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My vagina is very pro this idea
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
