Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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