I could make wine with my vomit
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize