How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
