the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
In other news, I just burned my penis
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
