I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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