Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
