I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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