Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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