Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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