Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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