Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize