So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize