Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
